


your november rain could set the night on fire

by reinashards



Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Exes, Getting Back Together, M/M, Pining, Post-Break Up
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-25
Updated: 2020-12-25
Packaged: 2021-03-10 19:09:12
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,986
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28312143
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/reinashards/pseuds/reinashards
Summary: It's not a secret that they broke up and went their separate ways. But when Jihoon releases a new single and dedicates it to his ex-boyfriend, Kwon Soonyoung, it leads to the question: are they truly over?(Or the one where Jihoon breaks up with Soonyoung but has a hard time letting go.)
Relationships: Kwon Soonyoung | Hoshi/Lee Jihoon | Woozi
Comments: 6
Kudos: 173





	your november rain could set the night on fire

**Author's Note:**

> Based on this [prompt](https://twitter.com/reireiwrites/status/1337582517163937792) — _jihoon’s recent single leaves his fans puzzled and confused cause it feels a lot like it’s about his ex-boyfriend, soonyoung._
> 
> Chapter title is from Camila Cabello's Something's Gotta Give.

i'm in my bed  
and you're   
not here

and there's   
_no one_ to blame.  
 **— harry styles  
**

* * *

Pledis Entertainment, the label which represents Woozi; genius rapper and producer who's well-known for his Midas touch, announces the release of their artiste's new single on a Wednesday. Named 'Habit', fans are elated by the news. It's a long time coming, especially when it's been almost a year since their idol has last released something new and so, it's a given that the song soars immediately to the no.1 spot on Oricon and Billboard charts, barely an hour after its release.

It's also worth mentioning that for the first time in his twelve-year career as a rapper, Woozi has opted to make a comeback with a ballad—a sad love song—instead of a hip-hop track. But what's more shocking is the hidden story or message behind said song. Inevitably, as all rumors tend to do, speculations about whom is it for begin to spread and by four in the afternoon, the internet is swamped with the same line of questions; is or is it not meant for Kwon Soonyoung, Woozi's _ex_ -boyfriend?

* * *

These days, Jihoon pretends a lot.

It's the only way he knows how to cope with the silence (and heartbreak).

He pretends that he's not unconsciously searching for the trace of another person whenever he comes home to an apartment that's made for two. He pretends that he can no longer remember the distinctive taste of strawberries and cigarettes which swirls into something uniquely _his_ , pretends that he'll find somebody else in the near future who can fuck him like the way he needs to be fucked. He pretends that everything's going fine, that he's moving on when, in reality, he's nowhere near close.

But most importantly, he pretends that letting go is the best decision he has ever made.

* * *

Jihoon enters the code into the keypad and the door unlocks. He walks into the apartment, feeling a great sense of relief to return to somewhere familiar. It's been a trying day, made even worse by overzealous fans who won't take no for an answer. But the relief is temporary—it's gone just as quick as it came—when nothing but deafening silence greets him. Gone are the days when echoes of laughter and boisterous voice filled the spaces within these walls. Now, only mind-numbing stillness is there to keep him company.

But when he hears a soft bang and a muffled curse, he freezes in horror. _Nobody_ is supposed to be here. Who is it? Is it an intruder? A sasaeng? He feels sick with apprehension as he takes a step back. It's not like it has never happened before. When you're a star, people have no qualms about breaking into the sanctity of your home. It's just the way the world works. Fame in replacement of your own privacy and the safety of those closest to you.

Still, this can't be right; there's a reason why this luxury apartment building has a long list of famous and wealthy clientele. It has an impressive and immaculate security system, as well as a whole team of people working twenty-four hours around the clock to safeguard its parameters from unwelcomed visitors. Just as he's about to bolt the hell out of the apartment (better to be safe than sorry), the reason behind his seconds-long anxiety appears before his very eyes—

—and he's utterly _floored_ for a different reason altogether.

"Soonyoung?"

The man-in-question looks up in complete surprise. "Hi—uhm, I didn't know you'd be here."

It's not like Jihoon isn't expecting it. Since the day they ended the way they did, he's prepared for the eventuality that their paths will cross again in the near future. It's the inevitability of time, you see. And as much as he would like to, he can't outrun his past and pretend like nothing happened. Because something did; the battle scar he suffered from it is proof enough. But nothing could have prepared him for this.

Oh God, will it never _not_ be awkward?

He thinks back to one time in particular when he got so terribly drunk at a Christmas party all those nights ago and actually managed to convince himself that it's a good idea to confess to his yearslong crush. In his inebriated state, he jumped onto a couch and shouted to the crowded room that's filled with friends who loved nothing more than to tease him about that day for years to come; "Kwon Soonyoung— _hic_ —I think you've a fucking hot ass and beautiful everything, would you— _hic_ —do me the honour of being my boyfriend? I promise I'll suck your dick— _hic_ —every time you want me to". And that was that.

It's even more embarrassing when morning came and his brain refused to let him forget about the drunk confession, forcing him to rehash the mortifying scene all over again. But that's okay. Despite the second-hand embarrassment and a morning of awkwardness, he got himself one Kwon Soonyoung for a boyfriend by the end of it.

(And it's something he would never ever regret. Not then, not now, and not for eons to come.)

But this though, this is so much worse. His _ex-_ boyfriend looks good. Wearing a soft white turtleneck with black jeans, Soonyoung looks more like an idol than him. Nostalgia hits him like a truck, coercing him to remember what he's been trying to desperately forget for the past months. He curls his fists, fingernails digging into skin, as his lips thin. It hurts. Being here, standing across Soonyoung, hurts so damn much. How could Soonyoung make him want to run towards him and yet, at the same time,  get as far away as he possibly can? "You didn't expect to see me in my own home?" He asks quietly.

"Kinda. Cheol hyung said you'll not be home till eight today." Soonyoung simply shrugs. "So I thought it would be a perfect time for me to drop by."

Ah right. They are exes now. It makes sense to do whatever one could to avoid bumping into an old lover. "Why are you here?"

"To pick up the rest of my stuff." Soonyoung jiggles the single, lone box in his arms. "Cheol hyung said I can. I just didn't expect to bump into you."

Jihoon frowns. "Is it so bad, then, to bump into me?"

"A bit. I'm not going to lie—I'd rather be anywhere but here right now." Soonyoung says but when he sees the crestfallen expression on Jihoon's face, he lets out a longsuffering sigh. "Ji, you must expect this, right? It's not me who..."

Jihoon knows what he wants to say. It's not Soonyoung who has called it quits. It's not Soonyoung who wanted to break up. It's _him_. The growing distance between them is all on him. He rubs his chest unconsciously; remains of a phantom pain starting to cloud his heart. "Of course, but there's no need to avoid me. We agreed, didn't we? That we at least try to be cordial with each other."

"I guess." Soonyoung's face is expressionless, conveying no emotions at all and isn't that funny? Soonyoung used to be the easiest book on the shelf to read. One glance and Jihoon knew what there was to see and understand. But now, they are nothing but strangers. Now, they can't move past the line between awkward and friendly.

"Do you need help?" He asks, rocking on the balls of his feet.

Soonyoung shakes his head. "This is the last of it."

"Are you taking a Uber?" Jihoon asks again. "I can drive you back to your—" He doesn't even know why he's offering. Lingering around Soonyoung is not a good idea, especially when his heart is not in a stellar condition. The best thing he can do for them right now is to step aside and let Soonyoung be on his merry way.

Suddenly, a flash of pain ignites in Soonyoung's orbs. "What are you doing?"

"I—"

"We are _not_ friends, Jihoon! You're my ex, goddamnit. The one who broke my heart. Do you think I want to have anything to do with you?" Soonyoung says, choking up as his eyes begin to glisten. "Last time I checked; you still wouldn't tell me what I did wrong. Cause it must had been something I did, right? For you to want to break up with me out of the blue. I thought we're happy."

"It's been three months." Jihoon murmurs quietly. _Haven't you move on already?,_ echoes the unanswered question.

"Well—unlike you, I can't move on that easily." And then, Soonyoung says something that breaks his heart all over again. "I guess it's true what Wonu said."

"What?"

"That I've always loved you more than you'll ever love me. It's my fault for putting my trust in us because I thought we're playing for keeps." Soonyoung says with a watery smile. "Goodbye, Jihoon."

"Wait, I..." _I'm sorry. Fuck, baby, I'm so sorry._

But it seems that Soonyoung has enough of the conversation as he holds up his hand, effectively stopping Jihoon from saying anything more. "Your passcode is still my birth date so change it." He continues with finality. "Wouldn't want anyone to get the wrong impression that you're _still_ in love with me or something."

If Jihoon has any hopes in his heart before, of reclaiming what has been lost through his careless actions, they are now snuffed out by the older man's words. The hurt he has caused runs deep; he can see that now. He has betrayed the trust Soonyoung'd placed on him. He has abandoned the love he'd once claimed is the sole reason for his existence. The divide between them is now too great to be conquered.

And when Soonyoung walks past him without another word, Jihoon doesn't even try to stop him. When the door closes shut behind him, leaving him to the ringing silence yet again, he forces himself to stay still. Perhaps it's time to admit what he has been avoiding to acknowledge since three months ago.

That he has permanently lost the love of his life. 

* * *

Here's the truth; no matter how bad the timing has been, no matter how bad everything turned out in the end—the heartbreak, the tears, the brutal _ending_ —Jihoon will never ever regret loving him. For what it's worth, Soonyoung is _it_ for him. He's the love of Jihoon's life, hands down. Nothing can change that. So this cruel world can take everything away from him; the tteokbokki stall where they'd their first date, the plans they'd carved out in the tranquility of Jihoon's studio and their hopes and dreams for a future that will never be, but they can never get their grimy, dirty hands on their yesterdays. They're the only thing that stayed with him long after Soonyoung's gone, like a jagged, brittle shard that's been permanently embedded in his soul. 

* * *

Jihoon's first promotional appearance is on a late-night radio show that's hosted by an ex-idol-turned-host. It's a deliberate move on Pledis' end to choose this segment as Habit's maiden voyage. If he accidentally screws up, then at least it's with a smaller audience, and his embarrassed face will not be broadcasted on live television. There's also lesser pressure, or so it seems, because half of the population would have already drifted off to sleep. These added precautions are necessary, considering it's been some time since he has performed for anyone, let alone a crowd. So it's a good chance to warm up his dusty, dormant skills so that he could prepare for the bigger stages that are coming later this week.

The radio host gifts him with a kind smile. "Ready, Woozi-ssi?" She asks, knowing that her guest is feeling jittery over the upcoming session.

Jihoon nods, smiling bashfully. "I'm good, sunbaenim." He replies respectfully, putting on the headphone that's been prepared for him. It's a two-hour show and in between segments, he's expected to answer some of the questions that have submitted by his fans. "I'm ready when you are."

She gives a thumbs-up to the production crew who's standing on the other side of the glass mirror. The 'recording in progress' sign lights on and she begins her introductory speech, "Good night, our dear night owls! A big thank you to those who are tuning in right now. We've a very special guest here with us tonight. Here to promote his latest single, Habit; everyone, please welcome Woozi!"

A recorded clip of a crowd giving a thunderous applause is played as the PD who's standing behind the mirror signals for him to speak. "Hello, everyone. It's Woozi here. Hyerin-sunbaenim, thank you so much for inviting me on this show."

"It's our pleasure to have you with us!" She replies cheerily. "So, Woozi-ssi, our listeners are curious about the meaning behind the song. Can you tell us more about Habit?"

As far as interview questions go, this is as tame as it gets. But still, the question feels like a shot to the heart. He couldn't help but seek out a familiar face across the room. Seungcheol, his manager, who's standing beside the PD gives him an encouraging smile. Feeling more settled, he leans into the microphone and starts, "It's a song about missing someone who's not there anymore and the struggles that come with it. It's also about coming to terms with the fact that they would move on eventually but you can't help but wish they don't because you want everything to go back to the way it used to be. But that's impossible because well, there's a reason why you've to break up in the first place, right?"

Silence falls on the recording booth; clearly, nobody expects him to respond in this manner. Realizing that the silence has dragged on a bit too long, the host sweeps in. "Wow, Woozi-ssi, that's a beautiful depiction of the song. Uh, well," The PD is waiving his arms in the air, trying to tell her to move on to the next question or risk making it more tensed and awkward. "Understand that you've prepared a special acoustic performance for us. Will you be singing it for us tonight?"

Jihoon nods, smiling. "Yeah." He reaches for his trusty old guitar and places it on his lap. "I have to warn you, though; it's just a small snippet of the song."

"Woozi-ssi, even if you only manage to sing a single line, I'm sure our listeners will be jumping for joy." She motions for him to proceed.

However, unbeknown to the rest, he's growing more restless with the passing time. There's something weighing on his mind. He finds himself at a crossroad, not knowing which path to take—should he or should he not? Is it wise? Should he even rock the boat when the sea is all calm and peaceful? Should he—  


"Woozi-ssi?" The host prods him, curious at the ensuing silence.

— _fuck it, it's now or never.  
_

"I want to dedicate this song to a special someone. To the most precious person in my life, I'm not sure if you're awake right now but if you're listening to this," _Fuck, fuck, fuck,_ he's going to be in deep trouble with his label for this but something in him propels him to move forward with it anyway. The radio host and crew can only stare at him in shock. "This is for you." And then, he starts to sing in his deep velvety voice;

_As I feel my lips that used to always call you go completely dry,_  
 _I realized it then, like a habitual saying, t_ _hat I used to yearn and call for you,_ _  
I want to embrace you like I did back then, and tell you that I want to smile._

* * *

The door slams shut as Seungcheol, the last of their entourage, enters the vehicle. Seungcheol doesn't spare him a glance as he instructs the driver to start moving and Jihoon takes it in his stride. He knows his manager is angry at his reckless behvaiour and rightfully so, considering they've only started to promote Habit. What Jihoon just did is not only stupid but it puts their entire project at risk. For the first time since they've exited the recording studio, he feels guilty.

"Are you even going to bother explaining yourself, Ji?" Seungcheol asks, seconds after the van exits the broadcasting building.

"I'm sorry." Jihoon says but when Seungcheol says nothing, he tilts his head back against the headrest to stare at his hyung. "I just did what I thought was right at the time."

"Ji...what you did back there—it's a different kind of stupid."

The comment bites, not because it's untrue, but rather, it is. It's stupid. Of course, it is. He knows that. Seungcheol knows that. Everyone in his team knows that. He's the one who ended it. He's the one who cut the string as though it meant nothing to him. He's the one who took the knife and plunged it into the beating heart of the one he loves the most. So what right does he have to be so heartbroken right now? _It's your fault he left. You, you, you._ "Can you wake me up when we arrive, hyung?" He says instead.

Without waiting for an answer, he turns his body sideways so that his back is facing Seungcheol and closes his eyes.

* * *

_"It's a simple question, Jihoon. I deserve to know."_

_He hated it. Soonyoung's tone was cold and icy as he stared him down. Soonyoung only got like this when he's bracing himself for hurt and he hated it even more that he's the reason for it. For being the one to cause unimaginable grief.  
_

_Here's the kicker—good things don't last forever._ _Sometimes, you don't get a second chance to make it right. Sometimes, things just end and it'll hurt like hell. And you'll feel like crap for months to come. Sometimes, you don't realize that you're making the biggest, irreconcilable mistake of your life till months after; when you're sitting alone in your apartment, staring at the same four walls and wondering where it all went wrong._

_"I'm sorry—"_

_"Don't apologize!" Soonyoung snapped, vibrating with anger. "Just tell me the fucking reason why you're breaking up with me!"_

_Jihoon should have backed away right then and there. He should have wrapped his arms around his boyfriend and murmured a thousand apologies, go on bended knees if he has to. He should have soothed the pain and hurt he'd undoubtedly caused and swore to never do it again. Basically, he should have done anything but what came next._

_"I'm just not in love with you anymore."_

* * *

It's a quiet night. It's the kind of quiet that stirs up the feeling of restlessness in oneself and drives one crazy. So he decides to take an impromptu trip down to the nearest mart, a block away from his apartment. He puts on a grey hoodie and matching sweats with a black mask so that he doesn't stick out like a sore thumb. It's nearly the end of October and the air is crisp and clean. He takes a deep breath and smiles. For the first time in a long while, it feels like he's not suffocating over his weighing emotions.

Stuffing his hands into the pockets of his hoodie to keep the chill away, he heads to the gate of the apartment complex. The lights from the streetlamps guide his way as he trudges down the pavement. Just as he nears the entrance, something makes him stop abruptly.

It's not fair. Not fair at all. They've been apart long enough so his heart should not betray him by racing like a speeding bullet at the simple sight of a familiar silhouette. Even in the dim light, his heart knows it's Soonyoung. It's a knowledge that's been sharpened and honed through years of friendship and utmost devotion. He doesn't think he will ever forget that face, that body, that everything.

And suddenly, exhaustion seeps in. He's sick of missing someone he should have no right to miss. He wants—no, needs—to get over this hurdle. Or he's afraid he might not survive through the coldness of Seoul's winter. Strong, he needs to stay strong.

Unlike him, Soonyoung has no reason to cover himself up. His face is bare, there for all to see. He's wearing a black hoodie with baggy red sweats. Instead of a beanie like his, Soonyoung has a black snapback on his head. Simply said, he's the most beautiful man Jihoon has ever seen in a while. His heart stutters, as it always does, whenever the topic of Kwon Soonyoung comes up. Because as always, he's weak for said man. 

He coughs, making his approach known as Soonyoung swivels to look at him. "Hey." Jihoon replies awkwardly.

Soonyoung straightens from the lamppost he's been leaning against and walks a few steps towards him so that they can meet in the middle. "Hi."

"Mind telling me why you're waiting out here in the cold?" He raises his eyebrows. He hates the fact that Soonyoung is risking his health by standing in the chilly weather, waiting for Jihoon to chance upon him. What if he didn't decide to take a late night trip out? Would Soonyoung end up waiting for him all night long? He doesn't like that. Soonyoung's health should always come first.

"Well, I actually, uhm..." Soonyoung rubs the back of his neck, cheeks tinge red. "I was trying to muster up the courage to give you a call."

Worry gnaws at him. "Is something wrong?"

Soonyoung quickly shakes his head. "No, everything's fine. I'm good."

"Then?"

Soonyoung's eyes flicker to his face, as they stare at each other. Held captive by the steady gaze, Jihoon finds himself unable to look away. "I don't even know why I'm here. I shouldn't be here, right? It's over. _We're_ over. Wonu said I shouldn't. That I should work on getting over you but then, I heard you over the radio and fuck, Ji, is that song for me?"

Jihoon should lie. It's no good dredging up the same old story when it will only cause them unrelenting pain. But when he opens his mouth—a lie ever-ready on the tip of his tongue—he finds himself unable to. Because lying will only hurt Soonyoung even more and he just...can't do it. "What do you want me to say?" He says instead.

"The truth."

The bitter truth is, Habit is written in the moment between abject clarity and hopelessness. It's a message to Soonyoung, begging him to come back, pleading him to return to the days when things were beautiful and happy. It's a cry for help, to tell him that it's futile to be apart when they are suffering like this. It's basically the opposite of everything he's been trying to achieve for the past months.

"It's yours." He admits. _It's always been yours._

"Then why—" Suddenly, Soonyoug looks so confused, unsure of what's been said. If he's any weaker than this, Jihoon would have reached out and reeled him in. But he doesn't and the distance between them remains. "Why would you do this at all? Ji, please, I need to know."

And there it is, the golden question of the century. Why then initiate something so painful when his heart has nothing but love for Soonyoung? Why break what should have never needed to be broken? "I can't answer that."

"Did you ever regret it?" Soonyoung presses forward. "In the last three months, have you ever regretted breaking up with me?"

"Don't ask me that." Jihoon pleads softly. "You won't like my answer."

"Tell me."

"Never." At this, Jihoon's answer is steady and firm. It's the truth. He has never regretted breaking up with Soonyoung. Not once. Not ever. He'd suffered for it, true, but regret is not in his dictionary. It's what he'd to do. Staying put is not an option. Someone has to go, might as well be him.

Soonyoung lets out an empty chortle and takes a major step back, as though he's been slapped. "I guess Wonu is still right, huh?" He says with a depreciating smile. "I'm sorry for disturbing your night." He turns around and starts walking away from Jihoon.

Unable to help himself, Jihoon calls out. "Hey, Soonyoung?"

"Yeah?" Soonyoung stops but doesn't turn. Jihoon doesn't blame him.

"Take care of yourself."

A pause and then, "You too."

When Soonyoung continues to walk away, it feels like Jihoon's losing him all over again.

* * *

Jihoon has never said it out loud or even admitted it, but he admires the heck out of his dongsaeng. It's easy to be underestimated in this unforgiving industry, especially when you don't have much experience to begin with, or none at all, but Hansol has never let it define or hinder him from achieving his goals. They're only a few years apart but he sees a lot of himself in Hansol when he was his age. They are two sides of the same coin, it's one of the many reasons why they are able to work so well together. He's quick-witted too, showing time and time again that he's not some kid who knows nothing.

So really, he should have expected Hansol to be the next one to call him out on it. "Hyung," Hansol says one day while they are trading ideas for a new beat. "Pardon me for saying this but you look miserable. Are you sleeping enough?"

Not really. With things being what they are, he's been having trouble falling asleep without the familiar press of another body against him. But he doesn't want to talk about it. He doesn't want to admit that he's been suffering from insomnia because he misses having Soonyoung in his bed. That would certainly lead to a conversation he doesn't want to have with anyone. _Ever_.

"It's the weather." He answers, ignoring how lame and flimsy the excuse is. "It's been too cold."

(He's fine. He's okay.)

"And it has nothing to do with Soonyoung-hyung?" Hansol's brows furrowed, making his unwavering gaze even more intense.

Jihoon forces his body to relax. It wouldn't do to show any form of negative emotions. It sounds stupid but he needs this, needs to pretend that he's not spiraling out of control. "What about him?" He says, feigning ignorance.

Hansol's blank face stares back at him. "Hyung, I tuned in to the radio show." He says in that quiet tone of his. "I, and probably a quarter of the country's population, had listened to you dedicating your comeback song to Soonyoung-hyung. And don't tell me it's not about him." He shakes his head when he sees Jihoon trying to deny it.

Okay, fine. Let's not pretend then that it is not what it is.

"It's a mistake." Jihoon shoots right back. It's a lie, of course it is, but he's too cowardly to admit that it's anything but. "A moment's folly."

"Hyung, I might not know the reason why it happened but—and you can let me know if I'm overstepping—I think you still _miss_ him."

"I do not miss him." Jihoon replies with a huff, hands suddenly busy with shuffling the papers on the desk but eyes not really seeing.

A long sigh. "Sure, and we're going to pretend that you didn't just write a song specifically about missing him and wanting him back, and then confess on national radio that it's meant for him. Hyung, you're not fine. I don't think you've been since the break-up so why won't you admit that at the very least?"

"I'm fine, Sol-ah. I've been dealing with this for the past three months." _And I've yet to break._

"Hyung, answer me truthfully." Hansol pauses at this. "If you're given a second chance, do you want to get back together with him?"

"It doesn't matter." Jihoon says, eyes blurring as he swallows the lump in his throat. "I'm the one who left him, remember? He hates my guts now. Besides, we tried and it didn't work. There's no point trying to attempt a second try."

"Hyung—"

"You know what will help me a lot right now?" Jihoon interrupts as he shoots a glare at Hansol. He knows Hansol means well, there's not a bad bone in his body but by prying further, Hansol is unknowingly re-opening healing wounds and that just won't do. "Not having to deal with the third degree interrogation."

"Yeah, okay. I'm sorry." Hansol takes a figurative step back, not wanting to aggravate the situation any further. "It's just that—I care so much about you, hyung, and I don't want to see you in pain. You deserve to be happy."

“I know.” Jihoon tells him softly. "Thank you for looking out for me but I'll be fine. Promise."

But even then, he knows he's lying.  It's too little too late.  Happiness is out of reach, at least for him.  Because deep down, he knows that happiness only comes by being with Soonyoung. And unfortunately for him, he'll never ever get the chance again.

* * *

Above all things, Jihoon just wishes they could be okay again. It's a selfish thought but it's one which he holds on to when sleep eludes him at night. But he knows nothing will ever be the same again. The wounds he'd left behind in Soonyoung's heart might never fade away with time. It might fester for a very, very long time. To Soonyoung, Jihoon's a tainted memory that he just wants to forget. To Soonyoung, his presence no longer brings any form of comfort; just pain and regret. He might very well be the poison that's hindering Soonyoung from getting better and if he has an ounce of common decency, he would stay as far away from his ex as he possibly can.

But it's easier said than done.

The thing is, complete avoidance is hard to achieve when they share a mutual group of friends. One way or another, they will have to meet in the middle or risk alienating the rest. Besides, it's Chan's twenty-first birthday and even though the maknae will surely understand if they choose to sit this celebration out, Jihoon and Soonyoung adore him far too much to disappoint him. So, for the first time in three months, the entire gang is back at it again. And if Jihoon doesn't know any better, he could almost pretend that nothing has changed. _That he's still happily in love with Soonyoung. That Soonyoung is still his._

It's an even harder truth to swallow when he glances right across the table and sees Soonyoung already looking back at him. Funny how they used to be inseparable, barely the barest of space between them, but now, there's an ocean wide that separates them. They used to tell each other everything, held no secrets, but now, they couldn't even make it through a conversation without tensed silence. Now, they are no longer anything—just two individuals who exist in the same space due to forced circumstances.

And fuck does the realization hurt as hell.

"Hyunggg!"

Jihoon looks up from his plate of food just to see Seungkwan leaning heavily over Soonyoung while blinking rapidly fast. To no one's surprise, Seungkwan and Chan are the first ones to get stupidly drunk but he couldn't blame them. University life must be kicking their asses right now, judging from their tired faces and the dark circles underneath their eyes. A smile graces his lips, he can't wait for the drunken shenanigans they would come up with. The combination of the youngest two is always fun to watch.

Soonyoung must have thought the same as he pinches Seungkwan's cheeks and coo. "Yes, Kwannie?"

"I mis-s, _hic_ , you." And when Seungkwan merely pouts, bouts of laughter ring around the table. " _Hic_ , where-e have, _hic_ , you-e been?"

Awkward pause settles in after that. Jihoon doesn't even want to think about the expression he's sporting right now as he's rooted to the spot.

Hansol dives in and tries to pull his boyfriend away from Soonyoung. "Hey, babe, maybe—"

"Are you stupid, Kwan-ah?" Chan chimes in from the middle the table, an empty shot glass in his hand as he grins winningly at no one in particular. "It's because hyung, _hic_ , broke up with Jihoon-hyung, remember?"

Yet again, another round of silence descends on the table as everyone is trying their best not to look at either Soonyoung or Jihoon.

"But why did they break up?" Seungkwan replies, utterly confused about what had happened.

Being the oldest in the group, Seungcheol is already rising from his seat, trying to salvage what's left of the night but unfortunately, he's not fast enough to stop what's coming.

"Oh, I know! I know!" Chan shouts, jumping in his seat. and in the back of Jihoon's mind, it feels like he's going to get hit by an incoming collision but is too powerless to stop it. _Shit, shit, shit. No, please no, stop whatever it is you're doing,_ Jihoon silently pleads. "Jihoon-hyung thinks that whatever happened to Soonyoung-hyung at Star Awards was his fault." Jihoon closes his eyes at the unexpected admission. " _H_ _ic_ , I don't feel too good..." And promptly throws up all over Seokmin who's been unlucky enough to sit on his right.

The silence thereafter is overwhelming.

* * *

This is what happened.

It's supposed to be one of the happiest nights of his life. The prestigious award show was comparable to a localized version of the Grammy, and he's nominated for seven different awards, including Artist of the Year. Excitement didn't even begin to cover it. Walking on the red carpet with the love of his life in tow was like a dream come true. Soonyoung was shining brilliantly under the spotlight and even though everyone here was more interested in him than his boyfriend, Jihoon couldn't help but be mesmerized by his existence.

Happy. He'd never felt so darn happy before.

But that's when everything went so, _so_ wrong.

It's a live televised show and as red-carpet events went, there's a section catered for the fans. Security was tight but apparently not tight enough. And, in the space of a split second, a crazed fan broke through the divider and charged towards them, towards _him_. He couldn't react, fear taking over and immobilizing him.

But oh God—perfect, heroic Soonyoung did not. His boyfriend saw it coming and did what he would have done if he wasn't scared shitless. It took a simple side-step for Soonyoung to be in the line of fire and Jihoon watched as the penknife plunged into his boyfriend's stomach. Soonyoung went down before him and still, he couldn't move at all. Later, he found out he's suffering from a temporary paralysis, triggered by extreme anxiety and fear.

Fortunately, security moved in to subdue the delusional fan and was taken away. Help was called in and Soonyoung was placed on a stretcher, to be whisked away into an ambulance that's on standby. Seungcheol will appear in Jihoon's line of sight and gently take his arm to pull him away from the blinding cameras and into a waiting car, to follow whichever hospital that Soonyoung was admitted to.

Two hours after the red-carpet event, instead of being surrounded by his peers and awaiting the results of his nominations, he's standing outside the emergency room while waiting anxiously for his boyfriend to be treated. Another hour later and he collapsed to the floor when the doctor informed him that Soonyoung was out of the fire. Thirty minutes later and he's climbing into the hospital bed, careful not to disturb Soonyoung's injured stomach and lay his head on the warm chest. Soonyoung cradled him in his arms and whispered sweet nothings ( _I'm okay, jagiya. I'm still here. I'm fine._ ) into his ears. Which was stupid, considering the one who's hurt was Soonyoung and not him. And when Soonyoung dozed off to sleep an hour later, aided by the medication he'd taken, Jihoon lay awake in the dark.

Thump. Thump. Thump.

Soonyoung's heart was beating, steady and strong. They were lucky this time, as lucky as they can be for someone who got knifed. But what if there's a next time? What if the next one is a shot to the heart? Would Soonyoung be just as lucky and survive it?

 _No._ He couldn't risk that. Jihoon needed him safe. Keeping Soonyoung by his side was like putting a target behind his back. He can't be selfish. He rather has Soonyoung far away from him, alive and safe, than be with him and have his life under constant threat. _You know what you've to do,_ his heart treacherously whispered.

He'd to let Soonyoung go.

* * *

It's a momentary lapse of reason. He'd been so fucking lonely, struggling with the break-up a month after he'd left Soonyoung, that he blindly accepted Chan's offer to take him out for a drink. They got stinking drunk, him more than Chan, and his traitorous mouth spilled everything. Even though he'd solicited Chan's eternal promise to keep his silence, it feels as though it's a matter of time before the truth comes out. And he's right. He just didn't expect for there to be so many witnesses. Or the fact that, it isn't him who spilled the beans but someone else. 

But well—what's done is done, and there's no point agonizing over it. The only thing that's left to do is the to face the music.

* * *

"Hey, baby, won't you look at me?"

The tone is soft and kind. How does Soonyoung do that? Knowing just what to say to calm his inner demons down? Shit, how far gone is he over this man? How can time fail to weaken whatever hold Soonyoung has over him?

After Chan's startling confession, everyone makes the unanimous decision to leave; affording them the privacy they need. But it's pointless. He's not going to change his mind just because Soonyoung now knows the real reason why he'd initiated the break-up. Danger is still lurking out there and for as long as he's a synonym of Woozi, he couldn't have Soonyoung. It's as simple as that. "Nothing's changed." He chokes, tears filling to the brim, threatening to overflow. "So give it up, Soonyoung."

If nothing else, it only makes Soonyoung edge closer to him. "Is it true what Chan said?" He says, with all of the gentleness in the world. "Was that why you left?"

"It's late, we should go." Jihoon says stubbornly. Despite so, he doesn't move from his seat. Neither does Soonyoung.

"Was that why you left?" Soonyoung repeats, digging his heels in.

But Jihoon is nothing but patient. It'll take more than this to force the truth out of him. "Do you need me to drive you back home since everyone's left?"

Unfortunately for Jihoon, Soonyoung doesn't take the deflection well. "Bullshit. You made me believe you didn't love me anymore. Don't I at least deserve to know the truth?" There's something in his tone that alarms Jihoon. He makes an aborted attempt to reach out for Soonyoung but the other man evades it so easily. "Did you really stop loving me, Hoonie?"

There's a kind of sadness in Soonyoung's eyes that has Jihoon crumbling down in an instant. "Never." Jihoon whispers at long last. The first of many truths.

"Then why did you force me to leave? If you feel the same way as I do, if you still love me just as much as I do, why did you let me go?"

"Because you got hurt because of me." _Because you were there with me._ This time, he reaches out to grip Soonyoung's shirt. He needs Soonyoung to understand this. That whatever he has done is not for naught. "Because it's the only way for me to protect you." _To keep you safe._

"That's not true—"

"Yes, it is."

"Baby—that's not true at all and you know it."

But he doesn't want to hear it. Because he knows the truth, he knows it. He has months' worth of thinking and self-reflection to know that he did the right thing. He won't let himself be swayed by a pair of pretty eyes. Even if those eyes belong to the person he still loves. "You don't understand." He stresses, eyes unseeing. "I can't lose you."

Because losing Soonyoung will be the final nail in the coffin. There's no going back from that.

"So what?" Soonyoung says quietly. "You'd rather we be apart, miserable and wretched all the time, over some distant chance that someone might hurt me again?"

"If that what it takes."

"That's stupid." Soonyoung murmurs.

"What would you have me do?"

And then, Soonyoung smiles. The kind that makes him feel awe-struck and dumb. "Fight." He answers. "Fight for me like how I'm always fighting for you."

"I don't deserve someone like you. Fuck, you deserve someone so much better than me."

"Funny you should say that." Soonyoung's eyes are dancing with mirth as he leans in closer. "Because I think you're just the perfect man for me."

Jihoon doesn't even bother fighting the kiss that's coming.

* * *

When a new morning comes, Jihoon doesn't need to pretend anymore—

He wakes up to Soonyoung's sleeping face, basked in the morning sunlight. It feels like he can breathe again, after being submerged underwater for so long. Soonyoung's _here_ , in their bed, like he's always meant to be. He gives in to temptation and takes Soonyoung's hand into his. He gets the feeling that he's never letting go this time around.

—because for the first time in months, the happiness that swells in his heart is genuine and true.

**Author's Note:**

> I proofread this once and I'm over it. So if there's still any mistakes left, whoopsie-daisy?


End file.
